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Dagen då jag fick min diagnos

Efter mitt första skov (vilket jag inte kände till då var ett skov eller att jag var sjuk på något sätt) gick det en tid innan jag blev uppringd av Neurologen och de bad mig komma samma eftermiddag. Det kändes inte okey. Varför skulle jag komma samma dag? Varför så bråttom? Jag fick veta att de nu hade sammanställt de olika provsvaren. Det sista jag hade gjort var en röntgen av synnerven och min fantasi började genast skena. Hade jag en tumör där? Ju längre dagen gick desto säkrare var jag på att det var det som gällde.

Väl inkommen till läkaren fick jag ett kort och tydligt svar. Ungefär ”efter att ha analyserat ryggmärgsprovet och sett till den övriga historiken hade man kommit fram till att jag har MS.” Informationen i övrigt var att man inte visste något om sjukdomens förlopp och att det inte fanns någon tillgänglig medicinering. Dessutom att jag kunde höra av mig om det var något jag undrade över……

Jag minnas att min första tanke var: jag har ingen tumör! Yippie!

Min andra tanke var: Yes, jag hinner till föreläsningen! På den tiden jobbade jag heltid och läste enstaka kurser på Universitetet i Linköping. Dvs läste på halvtid. Just då gick jag på en statistikkurs och missade sällan några föreläsningar. Så till Universitetet kom jag och så här i efterhand har jag förstått att jag var i något slags förnekelsestadium eller chocktillstånd och stängde av alla tankar på mitt läkarbesök.

När jag kom hem ringde min sambo Michael och undrade hur det gått hos läkaren och man kan väl säga att det bara brast då. Tårarna sprutade och jag fick fram vad de sagt. Michael kom naturligtvis hem direkt och kvällen handlade helt och hållet om min förtvivlan och allt det jag aldrig skulle kunna göra. Det kändes som om att liv tog slut den kvällen. Det enda jag trodde mig veta om MS var att det var något med musklerna och att jag skulle så sitta i en rullstol och inte kunna göra något själv. Någon skulle bli tvungen att mata mig, tvätta mig och hjälp mig på toan. Jag skulle bli ett levande ingenting. Allt hade tagits ifrån mig. Vi skulle inte kunna gifta oss som planerat (det gjorde vi), jag skulle aldrig få ett nytt jobb (det fick jag, flera stycken), vi skulle inte kunna skaffa barn (det gjorde vi) och vi skulle aldrig mer kunna resa (det gjorde vi).

Det blev en tid av mycket tårar, ilska och förnekelse. Jag hade ett stort stöd i Michael som ville att vi skulle leva i nuet och inte ta ut problem i förtid. Det var svårt, men tiden gick och jag kände ingenting av min sjukdom. Hur förhåller man sig till beskedet att man fått en kronisk sjukdom som sakta men tämligen säkert kommer att bryta ner en samtidigt som man känner sig helt frisk och pigg? Det är svårt men den sorgliga sanningen att man inte kan göra ett enda dugg för att förhindra det är lika svår.

Vad är det som gör att man står ut? Jo, man har inget val.

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